Ask an idiot – archive 6

Date: February 09th 2004

From: Humph Humph

Question: If matter contracts when it gets cold, why does water expand when it freezes?

See.. This is what I’m talking about.. This is the sort of questions that makes you go “Yeah… why the hell does water expand!” when you hear it.. It’s like “humph humph” has demonstrated an intellect far greater than his name suggests – Not only because he’s asked a brilliant question, but because he’s come to the right place for the answer!
I’ll agree with that. Honestly – if you want your questions answered, plain and simple, no beating about the bush, this is the best place. Forget any of those so called ‘help columns’ in the magazines, or the Internet – THIS is where it’s at, folks.
That’s exactly my point Furious, I often look at the submissions to those magazines that you’re alluding too, and lets face it we ALL know which one you mean… I look at them and I think.. “Wow, what a stupid question!” And the surprising part is that the magazine editors actually waste ink answering it – but this here question from “Humph x2” is clearly a fantastic question and well worth the time we’ll have spent answering it.
Not only do they get stupid questions, but the people who answer them, clearly write like they are stupid. Now, that could be because they aren’t getting paid very well, or they have a deal in which what they write will get printed regardless, or the editor is a control freak, and likes to turn what might have been a good answer into a terrible one, but the point remains – this is the only place you’ll find that your questions are answered – And answered well.

Well, Thanks for the question Humpdy, I’m glad we could get that straightened out for you.

…. Now, who’s next?

Date: February 09th 2004

From: Rorqual

Question: Why is there so much dust under beds? When I vacuum, there’s always at least twice the amount of dust than in open areas, which sounds weird. I strongly suspect evil trolls having fun dumping dust under my bed, but I’ve not yet managed to surprise one.

Well, I think I should start with explaining the existence of Dumper Trolls (exudus promulgatus). They actually do exist, and I’m sure if you looked on the ‘net, you can see photos or at least artists interpretations of what they look like. The interesting thing is, that the only thing that Dumper Trolls like more than carting dust around and dumping it under peoples bed, is stealing those tiny lego blocks (you know, the single ones with only one ‘nub’ on top) and deliberately leaving them in places where people are likely to be walking wearing just their socks…
Yeah, Furious is correct, the Dumper Troll (as you’ve discovered) has been pest for as long as people have had beds. It has it’s place in folk lore and mythology like creatures such as the Chupacabra, the yeti and hot chicks who like internet dweebs – however unlike those three imaginings, the Dust troll is 100% real!
That’s correct, except for the hot chicks who like internet dweebs – I must say I sighted two of them the other day… But that’s beside the point. One thing you have to remember, Rorqual, is that even though Dumper Trolls are incredibly stupid, they are still smart enough to evade the most dedicated trapper. As experienced as I am in the field, it took me many, many attempts to successfully capture a live Dumper Troll. As luck would have it, some time ago I wrote a definitive guide to catching Dumper Trolls, and Elroy has kindly agreed to host it on this site, thus preventing my own from getting hits (a win-win situation for all).
Yeah.. That’s right – You saw not one, but two hot chicks who are into internet dweebs…. Sure Furious and I suppose they were on their way to meet Santa Clause and the Easter bunny for a coffee…


Date: February 09th 2004

From: Sealy Duffer

Question: If you can’t help me with this advice, I don’t know who can… (I’m in trouble, aren’t I?) :
Years of psychotherapy have revealed the supressed memory that I once lived in the rural Victorian town of ##### (“#####” being the aboriginal term meaning “Area of hoplessness populated by frikkin morons”). By
strange coincidence, I have recently won a competition with first prize being a week in the aforemention hell-hole. (Second Prize, you guessed it, 2 weeks).
The judges have allowed me to swap my prize for a poke in the eye with an electric cattle prod. I’ve always been terrible at making decisions, what do you reccomend?
thanks & regards,

(Town name withheld to protect any hopeless frikkin morons who still, or may have ever, lived there.)

Well, gentle viewers this is something of a first, the submitter of this question has struck a real nerve here in the e-shack!” and it’s taken quite some time and many hours of my own aversion therapy for me to be able to bring myself to table this one to the AAI team.

You see, the town of which they speak is MY home town.. Where I was born and raised… and, only with the help of the bearded lady’s wrangler from a traveling carnival, was I able to escape the clutches of this unnamed town…

So many memories… so much pain… It wasn’t all bad though, like, if I was good the towns folk would beat me with a fence paling.. No, wait – it WAS all bad!
What a shocker of a childhood! It was hell I tell you! HELL!

You sure you’re not over-exaggerating, Elroy? I still cant get over the Mickey Rooney-shaped sperm. I’m not sure anyone reading will take what you say with much more than a grain of salt – Your childhood can’t have been all that bad. So, think about it – some good must have happened when you were young, like birthdays, your first relationship, any pets you owned…?
Pfft, as if I’d lie to the good readers of EOL… But, thinking about it, you’re right I guess Furious – there were some fond memories I suppose.. Yes, like my first relationship with a pet.. AND even some with women… Why, I remember there was this one girl….
Woooooo! A girl, hey? How many times did you do it? Did you do it anywhere interesting? Did you do IT in any interesting ways? Did she have a crotchless thong?
Now Furious. You know a gentleman doesn’t kiss and tell.. But $10 says she has a web site bragging all about it!
Yeah, Well… I’ll take $20 that says she ran off to Perth and married some other guy!