Ask an idiot – archive 1

Date: September 23rd 2002

From: James

Question: Why does Maya tell me the objects name is not unique?

I’ll try to avoid going all Fraudian on you James….this problem could lie in a deep rooted inadquecy issue you’ve had with yourself ever since you discovered that your ‘object’ is as small as all the other boys in the locker room. The fact that you envisage an attractive female video game character (Maya, obviously from Killer Instinct) telling you this only further adding to your embarrasment, and possible suicide, in the near future.
My suggestion is, be happy with what you have, and stop playing video games.
Simon, Maya is a 3d modeling and animation package you dumbass – James, it’s like this: Have you ever tried to register a user name with AOL instant messanger? Usually you find that all the good names are already taken and you end up with the user name of JHFRURKS_87 – well, the same thing is happening with Maya – you just have to be more original in the future..
Ooooh you mean Maya… That really expensive 3d modeling program that all the special effect houses use for movies? I don’t know how to use that. Hey.. Elroy – where did you find out my AOL username? I never told you!
Yes that’s the one – and I’ve notified the software piracy police and they are on their way around to James’ shanty now – as if I believe for a second that that shabby bastard can afford a legitimate copy of Maya .And as for your AOL user name I got it from the FBI’s “People most wanted for stalking Roger Waters” page.
What can I say… I love the man!

Date: September 23rd 2002

From: Matt P.

Question: I rolled a 6 and cast mordenkaidens sword, yet some moron with a +4 mace thought he could beat me, and said he did – what should i do?

It seems Matt P that you have inadvertantly answered a question of my very own, that answer is, of course “September 23rd 2002” – And the question? Well, Since the point at which the internet became more widly accepted and populated with a greater cross section of society I’ve been wondering at what point – more specifically – on what date the biggest geek in the world would reveal himself. Clearly that geek is you. I need wonder no more! Much thanks.
What you should do? I don’t fucking know! What on earth is a ‘Mordenkaidens sword’ anyway??? Alright, yes I know what you should do – get off your arse and stop playing Dungeons and Dragons or whatever that stupid game is!!
In an unexpected state of affairs it appears that Simon has pretty much nailed this one! Matt P it appears that you are destined for perpetual virginity if you don’t mend your ways – the “moron” with the “+4 mace” seems – to me at least – to be the least of your problems!
Cast your Wallet of cash +40 and go catch a Bus of Travel + 5. Go to a Village Department store market thing and buy some Clothing of stylishness + 23, you smelly nerd. Then, that night, use that Bus again to go to a night Club Tavern and get a fucking life for Christ’s sake…. Or whatever you call the son of God in Dragonland!

Date: September 23rd 2002

From: Floyd

Question: In windows… do you change your file associations?….any help would be greatly appreciated

Ok, Floyd, open a Explorer window. May as well be My Computer, on your desktop. Up the top menu choose View >> Folder Options, and choose the third tag along at the top, Which is labelled ‘File Types’.
Click on one, and choose the Edit button. This brings upa semi-complicated Window that will probably stump you, and make you want to learn how to use Linux.
Although, if Linux isn’t your thing, play aroud with the settings in that window. You can also add files that aren’t already associated, and do neat things like add extra actions to a particular file type. For example, I have 3 different Edit actions for HTML files, and an Open in Internet Explorer action as well.
Hmmm – you’ve certainly taken a different approach to where I was headed Simon – my reply would have most likely begun with “Do you know how to drive a stick?” and finished with “and watch Mr Gates try to sit down afterwards” – but don’t let me and my aqua interface interfear – you seem to be onto something here!!
Well, Elroy, it’s about the only thing I *DO* know about Windows that I can tell people who need to know. Good question, Floyd. Our next caller is…!
Okay Simon our next letter is from a ‘Jade’ – she says that she’s sexually unforfilled and….. HEY! you didn’t finish answering Floyd’s question!.
You know, its amazing, really. you pay $2.50 for a 600mL bottle of Coke, when you can get a 1.25L bottle for $1.55. And they’re on special at the moment for 95c each.!