2 idiots play doom 3

Furious: “So Elroy, you played Doom 3 yet! I haven’t, but I’m going to talk about it like I’ve been playing it for the last month!”

elroy: “Well, everyone else on the interweb has been, why should you be any different? Anyway let me just fire the PC up and well get under the belly of ID’s latest dropping and tickle it until it wees all over us.. then we’ll complain about it.”

Furious: “I’ve got to say, the first thing I noticed, reading some articles in gaming magazines ages ago, was how glossy their pages are! How do they do that??”

elroy: “They use a special font. Ok, teh PC has managed to get the majesty of windows XP all loaded up… where do we want to go today simon?”

Furious: “Well, I’d like to do some shopping later, and perhaps sort some stuff out with the bank, so we’d better get this Doom 3 review over and done with. I reckon after we see the first monster jump out of a cupboard, we’ve seen them all, and can base the entire review on that”

elroy: “A sound theory there Simon. So Lets kick this sudo-review off..”

/loading doom3

“Ok, we’re in.. now first up we head right to the settings menu and crank everything up to the nose bleed settings.. cause we’re leet gamers…”

Furious: “Hold on. Dont leet gamers turn everything down? or is that just quake players?”

elroy: “Are you insane man? I spent a butt load of money on my uber gaming system – I WANT CANDY! Surely a 5 month old system is gonna sleep through anything that these boobs from iD can throw at it.. nope it’s everything on max or nothing at all in this house boyo!”

… moments later

“Right you are.. everything set to low! Now, just let me shake off the epileptic fit that that slide show just induced and we’ll really take this puppy home!”

Furious: “I gotta say, though, even on low detail, this game is still more impressive grapically than Doom 1 and 2 combined! Which for several years development, is quite a feat indeed. I can imagine Carmack and his genetically engineered experiments have been working overtime on this one! Oh!! And I was right! Look at that those graphics! They’re awesome!!”

elroy: “Erm.. That’s the load screen Simon!”

Furious: “Oh, I thought that this was like a text based game for a moment there! But that wouldnt explain those glossy magazine pictures…. man … they sure were glossy.. So, does this thing have a story? Do I really need to know that? Take your time answering, this could take a while to load.”

elroy: “Actually the load times aren’t too bad really, we should be getting into things any second now.. As for story, you know the drill.. corporation short on morals, gates of hell, demons and monsters, weird artifacts (both from other dimensions and from my over-clocked video card), Dogs and cats living together, mass-hysteria, etc, etc”

Furious: “Weird artifacts? Anything like the artifacts in Halo? Wasn’t there some weird artifacts in Halo?

elroy: “Yes, yes there was.. but these are different artifacts…”

Furious: “Aah that’s good to hear. But didn’t Unreal 2 also have weird artifacts? Im pretty sure on that first level there was some weird bunny-ears hat thing.”

elroy: “Erm – Yes, there were artifacts in Unreal 2 also.. but these, these are completely new and original artifacts.. nothing like the ones in halo or unreal 2.. not a scrap like them.. ok, can we move on now!? the game has loaded and we find ourselves having been dropped off at some sort of dispatch/arrival bay place…”

Furious: “Oh, like in Half Life? Just another day at the office, Gordon, eh?”

elroy: “No! Not like Half-life.. it’s erm.. your first day there! Anyway – we’re inside now and some guy scanning the character..”

Furious: “Like you get scanned at the beginning of Halo? That was a pretty cool effect, I liked the bit where the things like spinning around you testing your shield…..”

elroy: “No Simon, for the last time – this is DOOM3, it’s nothing like halo or that other game you mentioned it’s NEW and original.. OK!”

Furious: “OK, so that artifact doesn’t turn out to be a weapon then? Like the one in Halo.. or the one in Unreal 2.. or even the one in Turok?”

elroy: “Erm.. well… Look at these graphics man.. how awesome are they! He he, And look at this Simon, Look at the awesome interactive physics here – look at me kicking that traffic cone around!! he he he”

Furious: “Yeah, I used to spend hours kicking the traffic cones around in Unreal Tournament ’99”

elroy: “Shut up Simon – these cones are very different.. and new… Anyway, here we are at our first cut scene.. this dude is passing on some info and telling us where we need to go next.. oh and he’s given the character a PDA to use. That was nice of him!”

Furious: “Ah cool, like in Perfect Dark? or Time Splitters 2? Or the Translator you pick up in the first room in Unreal 1?”

elroy: “No! Nothing like any of them Simon – This is a totally original DOOM3, new and before seen type of PDA! OK!… now just bear with me while I try to find where we have to go next. That guy wasn’t too specific with is directions.”

Furious: “Why don’t you check where you are on the PDA’s map?”

elroy: “There isn’t a map on the PDA.”

Furious: “Well, on your HUD then. You know like you could in Doom 1”

elroy: “Erm.. No, there’s no HUD map either.”

Furious: “I tell you what, Turok had a pretty good on-screen map, it overlayed the screen, and would rotate when you turned around… So anyway, tell me.. How exactly are we suppose to find our way around without a map like that in Doom3?”

elroy: “Dunno.. Not sure it even matters! HA HA! Look at this, I’ve found a video game machine in the game and you can play it.. HA HA – look at me punch that turkey Simon, look at me!! HA it looks like Doom1 or 2.. but it’s a turkey punching game ! CLASSIC!”

Furious: “yeah.. classic… sort of starting to feel like Doom3 is a bit of a turkey if you ask me!”

elroy: “OK, OK, I’ll stop whacking the turkey and get on with the real game… after I punch it once more.. he he he – that turkey is SO punched!…. Alright, I think this is where we’re suppose to be going… isn’t it spooky how all the people you pass are talking about plot specific stuff RIGHT as you walk past them….. OK here we are getting all briefed.. ok – we gotta follow the dog/spider looking bot thing to some elevator… I wonder if the bot has a map?”

Furious: “You’d think they’d put like those coloured lines on the walls everywhere like in the first level of Half Life… I mean, if they dont give you a map”

elroy: “True, but they loaned us this bot thing to make up for it! Ok, made it to the end of this bit – loading up the next stage.. so what’s our score so far?”

Furious: “Probably not too much, we didnt find any secret rooms full of treasure!”

elroy: “Yeah, but I gave that Turkey enough of a whacking to get the RSPCA over here… anyway we’ve got a gun now and things seem to be picking up – there are more people in this underground kinda bit and it’s starting to get dark and cluttered.. cluttered with CRATES!!!!”

Furious: “Shit, I forgot to get my stopwatch out and time the start-to-crate time”

elroy: “Now Now, don’t be like that – These ARE some of the nicest looking boxes I’ve ever seen… well, without G5’s in them that is.. Hey looky here – I seem to be getting by pretty well without a map… maybe I’m psychic or something.. but it appears that I just ‘know’ where to go… maybe I’m related to John Edwards or Uri Geller or someone like that!?”

Furious: “Well, it looks as though they’ve locked all the doors that you shouldnt be going into, so you cant get lost… Nice of them, on your first day on Mars and all!”

elroy: “OH NO!! Who’d have seen this coming! All the lights have gone out!! Hold me Simon, I was simply unprepared emotionally for such an unforeseen occurrence.. I suspect permanent emotional scarring is afoot!”

Furious: “Uhoh, like in Unreal 1 and 2 where you get attacked by a skaarj for the first timne?”

elroy: “No! Nothing like that – this is completely original and 100% new darkness… and it was frightening beyond belief.. but the lights are back on now – luckily I had my flashlight with me!”

Furious: “So with the lights out, and the total darkness (except for the flashlight)… You know, that was pretty atmospheric!”

elroy: “Stop touching me Simon!! – OK, we’re out of that section.. through the air lock and out into the totally awesome 12 foot by 12 foot external environment that is the surface of Mars! That’s some pretty sweet terrain there Simon.. too bad we crossed it in three steps and are back inside again now…”

Furious: “It’s like a demo!.. Are they going to show us kind of environmental and architectural situation in the first level? Give us a sneak peak of what’s to come, in larger amounts later?”

elroy: “I think you’re over thinking it Simon.. ok, wait – there’s some guy explaining the plot now.. ok, ok.. uh huh.. right… ok.. Hell on earth – erm Mars… right.. well – Looks like the game is a foot now!! With the sounds and the lights and stuff – wow… There’s only one thing left to do Simon!!

Furious: “What’s that? Ask for a refund?”

elroy: “No, Run! And while we’re running.. shoot things!”

Furious: “OMG! You mean indiscriminately?”

elroy: “Take that!”

Furious: “Watch out! There’s a creature!!?? Most probably some kind of zombie!”

elroy: ‘WHERE?”

Furious: “IN THE DARK!”

elroy: “HERE?”

Furious: “No, in some of the other dark!”

elroy: “HERE?”

Furious: “warmer”

elroy: “THERE?”

Furious: “Nope, but that pipe wont be giving you any more trouble!”

elroy: “What say I just run off through this door?”

Furious: “which one?”

elroy: “The only one that i can open.”

Furious: “Sounds like the right strategic move elroy! Make tracks!”

elroy: “SWEET JEBUS!!! I was again caught unprepared! I didn’t expect that creature to jump out at me when i opened the door!”

Furious: “What’s that smell?”

elroy: “Nothing! Lets keep moving!”

Furious: “Which way?”

elroy: “We only have two options.. backwards or forwards.. I’m not even sure the straff keys are even working on this keyboard…”


Several hours later.

Furious: “Kill that… sigh.. look out for that bit of dark… collect those rings…. watch out for the creature behind the door…. yawn… jump the barrel.. climb the latter… rescue the princess… shoot the flying head…”

elroy: “Oh, Simon.. what are you still doing here?”

Furious: “Huh? Oh, I though we were playing Doom3?”

elroy: “Shit dude… Sorry, I got bored and went to watch Walker Texas Ranger over an hour ago…”

Furious: “Oh? Well… did we win?”

elroy: “It was touch and go there for a while.. but right at the end Chuck Norris crashed through the window of the warehouse and….”

Furious: “No, I mean Doom3? Did we win Doom3?”

elroy: “No, The seven hundred and forty fifth creature to jump out from behind a door kill us”

Furious: “Good lord… who’d have ever seen that coming?”