Ask an idiot – archive 3

Date: October 07th 2002

From: John L

Question: how do i make a tractor, beam?

Wow, great question John, haven’t we all wondered this at some stage! Well, there is at least one group of british scientists working on just such a thing! Unfortunately the stupid pommy bastards have only managed to trap tiny glass beads that are 100 times smaller than a human hair and move hamster chromosomes – but if we are to believe that their idea is a goer then you will need a huge helix of twisting laser light…. I hope this helps…
No, we havent all wondered it, Elroy, just you, and boy-genius John here. Plus, I noticed theres a comma after the ‘tractor’. You think he’s trying to slip us a trick question?
What are you suggesting Simon? That John L wants to improve the life quality of some sort of farm machinery?… Well as luck would have it there is a team of British scientists working on that problem too! However this solution involves hoes… and lots of em!
Oh yeah – nothing like the image of a group of cheap women, out in the fresh country air, sprawled all over farm equipment – I hope they have a centrefold!
What??? You dumbass – “Hoes” as in the tool you use in the garden….. it’s like trying to work with a chimp, I swear!

Date: October 07th 2002

From: Faecal (Mrs).

Question: Dear Idiots, I live in an apartment with, among others, a guy who has a glass eye. I caught him the other day cleaning his socket with my flannel while the eye was looking up at him, soaking in a bowl of soapy water.

I just can’t look the other way on this one. What should I do?

Steal the eye when he’s not looking!!!
Let him catch you cleaning your own socket with his flannel!
whack him on the back of the head to see if his other eye falls into the glass
Borrow the tractor beam off the guy from the last question and keep making his eye fall into his food!
ok. Now we’re just being immature and childish. This person is seeking advice and we’re just making fun….. you know – I reckon that tractor beam idea would work!

Date: October 07th 2002

From: kyzen

Question: Greets Elroy and Furious,

what do you do when your gf is like all, waaah and stuff, and you just want her to chill and your like, pffft get over it, and she’s like sif, and your like meh, and then after 2 years your x gf rings you and says that she want’s the kyzen, and I’m all like, hmmm, and she’s all like, you know you wanna, and your gf is like still waaaaaah, and your like, sif I can be bothered with all this, and your x is like, you know where it’s at baby, and your like :/

Well, kyzen. you seem to be in a tight ethical debate. personally, if you come to this website, and you have a girlfriend at all, you should consider yourself lucky. The fact, after visiting this site, that anyone even wants to talk to you, let alone read your email astounds me. Treasure that, Kyzen
I understand your predicament Kyzen, far more than I understand your letter. As you can imagine, being the damn sexy bastard that I am, I have women throwing themselves at me all the time. Why just the other day in the supermarket this babe threw herself at my feet.. “How did you deal with that?” I hear you ask.. Simple – I just remind myself of what I’d be risking for a few moments of hot rumpy pumpy with every bit of tail that offered itself to me.. and you know, it’s just not worth it. So I helped her back onto her feet and handed her the cane that she’d dropped in her rush to get to me, patted her dog and continued my shopping.. I think there’s a lesson there for all of us.
This isnt Dr Feelgood’s love channel for christ’s sake – at any rate – your ex is probably planing a hit on you for dumping her inthe first place – that or she’s gonna cut off your stump, drive away, and throw it out the car window like a cigarette butt… does she have red hair? beware of red-heads. They is tha devil, son.
Your right about one thing Simon.. this probably isn’t the place for relationship advice – BUT that doesn’t mean that we can’t pull in a few favors and get the master of chick wrangling to help us out… Ladies, gentleman and Kyzen’s ex – please welcome our special guest….. Mr. Dom DeLuise!!
Woo he he hehe – It’s good to be here idiots! It’s really good to.. ok, I’ll get on with it.. so pushy – Kyzen, do the schtoopin’, My grandfather always said.. he’s dead, rest his soul.. he said “a schtoop you knock back is a schtoop you never get”… And he’s right – you do the math!

pull my finger!