Ask an idiot – archive 5

Date: November 06th 2002

From: Kevin C

Question: If human sperm looks like little tadpoles, does frog sperm look like little people?

Kevin, there’s no need to feel silly about asking this question as I’m sure you have plenty of other things to feel silly about. The fact is that as far back as the history records ‘scientists’ and scholars have been asking similarly stupid questions… St. Thomas Aquinas even preached that each drop of a man’s ‘loove custard’ was like a tiny man. Of course, with the invention of the microscope it was revealed that St Tom didn’t have a friggin clue. And, as you stated in your question, we now know that human sperm looks like baby frogs: a.k.a tadpoles. So, does frog sperm look like little people? Absolutely, more specifically, it looks like A person… A young Mickey Rooney…
You know, its awful, when you.. climax.. all these little tiny sperm leave their home, swim for their life, and only one of them is ever used. Except when they start bouncing of a very thin coating of latex, then the all die, they end up throwing in the bin, or flushed down the toilet, or swallowed…
Hey, Elroy, if Frog sperm looks like Mickey Rooney, then what does Elephant sperm look like?
Well, Simon it all depends on what type of elephant.. African elephant sperm, when viewed under a powerful microscope, bares a startling resemblance to that robot dog from Dr Who – and Indian elephant sperm (when similarly viewed) looks to be made up of a volkswagon beetle, with a small dint in the hood…
You mean K-9 ? That dog started to shit me off after a while. And now you’re telling me that when an Indian Elephant blows his load, suddenly theres a billion of the things? Bloody hell…
Well, look on the bright side – When a volkswagon ejaculates it looks like Barbara Eden and a giant bratworst sausage wrestling in jelly…..

OK, I made that up.

Date: November 06th 2002

From: Ponderous The Clown

Question: Why is it that when someone gets out of the shower to grab soap or something they always drip 6-8 times as much water on the floor as they would if they were getting out because they’d finished showering even if they get out when they’ve finished before turning the shower off??

This is one of ‘those’ questions. It’s a question that points to the ‘man behind the curtain’. It’s a question that seems to take some of the ‘mystery’ out of life itself… why? Because it suggests that life is nothing but a big practical joke that is being played on all of us… Why does the bath mat get soaked in inexplicable ways? Why, when you drop your toast does it ALWAYS land butter side down? Why do you only get lost, break down or run out of petrol when you are running late? Why don’t you know what you’ve got until you lose it? Why does the jar of peanut butter always look full no matter how empty it is???? WHY Damn it!! WHY!!!???
Philosphers have debated about it, Mathematicians have tried to work it out, Biologists have pulled apart and mapped our very being, just to catch a glimpse of the real answer, which is, honestly, too bizzarre and inexplicable to comprehend.
Wait – that’s just a complete cop out! Just a fancy way of saying that you don’t know! And, actually the answer to our clown friends question isn’t as mysterious as all that. The fact is that, when you step out of the shower to, say, grab some soap. You usually do it by stepping out of the shower with one foot and then leaning forward.. this creates a greater area of wet body area adjacent to the floor. And therefore a larger ‘spread’ of water drips from your glistening body.. erm.. Any water not dripping, runs down the one path to the floor – the leg that you are standing on… so you get a greater volume of water in the area that you place your foot… Where as when you step out of the shower to begin drying your self, you do so with both feet and you stand upright…. easy!
Thats very clever, Elroy. With a personality like yours, you should become a Scientologist…
hmmm – I do have a copy of ‘Dianetics’ here somewhere!

Date: November 06th 2002

From: Dennis F

Question: Why do women hate me?

Wow. This is a curly one Dennis, and, while I’m sure that ‘women’ don’t actually ‘hate’ you, I feel the need to get some expert help with this question… so, I’ve pulled a few strings and managed to get a very special guest to come and help us get to the bottom of this.

Ladies and gentlemen please welcome… Dr Phil!

Thanks Elroy. Dennis It appears to me that you seem to think that women hate you! Did you wake up one morning and say to yourself, I think women hate me? I think you’ve gotta realize Dennis that a squirrel doesn’t collect nuts during the winter – he’s collecting all year round so when the bow breaks he’s already got the car started….
What the hell are you talking about?
You’ve got to say to yourself, this is a symptom of the cause of the problem and not the cause of the symptom. Are you wearing a watch? I told you not to wear a watch! I’m not gonna bust my hump trying to help you Dennis if your gonna just go off and wear a watch. 110% Dennis that’s what you’ve gotta do – I mean, good lord you don’t sit back at Christmas and say why didn’t the elfs make me a poodle, I wanna poodle… where’s the egg nogg…. hipity hop – it doesn’t work that way Dennis……