Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/eonline/public_html/wp-content/plugins/view_counter/view_counter.php on line 60
Excerpts from Elroy’s online Dating Profile #1

Latest Posts

Excerpts from Elroy’s online Dating Profile #1

A few weeks ago we were lucky enough to have a visit from the lovely Van Badham. Over some wine (on my part) and intellectual (on her part) discussion we eventually stumbled onto the topic of online dating. Van immediately pulled out her phone and we started going through the profiles of prospective mates. Mercilessly discarding wannabe suitors with a swipe to the left and a mocking jape at the expense of their shirtless shenanigans. Lets face it, there are very few gents out there good enough for our Van, so the odds were stacked against them from the start.

The odd thing was that I came away from this conversation with an odd fascination with the whole online dating scene. Not actually with a great deal of desire to hunt down a potential mate, but something about the platform itself really caught my attention.

Now, anyone who had read any of the previous 600 posts on this site (yeah, this is 601!) will know that I am a massive dickhead, so it’ll come as no surprise that my foray into the world of online dating has been approached with the utmost level of stupidity.

Over the next few days/weeks I’m going to post some excerpts from the okcupid profile that I created. I’ve been asked if the profile is a joke — and been told more than once that I’m going to die alone — but as much as I want to write this off as a silly experiment I’m afraid that there’s far to much of me actually in this profile to deny that it’s mine.

Oh, and just before I post this first excerpt, I’ve only had one lady contact me to tell me that she thought my profile was entertaining. She, or someone in charge of her well-being, unfortunately disabled her account almost immediately after she sent the message. Perhaps the surest sign yet that I probably will die alone…

The first things people usually notice about me

They don’t. I’m like the wind. A mystery. A silent spectre who moves like a majestic… erm… thing that’s majestic. And, honestly, I’d use this ability to help fight crime or something if I could only figure out how to be where the crime is happening when the crime is happening. I get that Spider-man has his spider senses that let him know when crime is happening, and Superman has that super hearing and he can listen out for when someone says “Oh hey, look there’s someone making a crime over there!” and use his super speed to get to where that person is making the crime and… you know, stop them. But I have no idea how to figure out when the crimes are doing.

If I did though, I’d be all up in crime’s face and when I was done, I’d vanish, like a mystery… a spectre, into the night and the people who I’d just saved from the crime that was happening would be all “Who WAS that guy?” and “What was that design on his t-shirt all about? Was it a duck?” “I thought it was a cloud?” “Was it a duck-cloud?” and I’d call from the distant darkness “It’s a spectre, cut me some slack! T-shirts are really hard to draw on!” and they’d say “Oh, you should look into getting them printed on RedBubble or CafePress or one of those sites!” and I’d be “Oh that’s a great idea, I’ll look into it!” and they’d be “Cool, and thanks for stopping that crime’n’stuff” but the only reply they’d get would be the distant sound of someone — totally not me — majestically tripping over some rubbish bins.

If that hasn’t turned you off completely, stay tuned – I’ll post more of this garbage over the next couple of weeks.

Share Button

Comments are closed.