Series: Greatest.Episode.Ever pt1
Way back, in the day, television shows would clamber for awesome by crossing over with other television shows which were popular at the time. While there are still some extremely tenuous connections made between shows — someone mentions Oceanic Airlines or someone smokes a Morley cigarette — nothing compares to the television spectacle that was Simon and Simon appearing on Murder She Wrote or Magnum PI.
Tonight, Furious and I were discussing how some recent, less successful, shows could have been helped by crossing over with some of the more popular ones. While this discussion started off as a vaguely serious attempt to consider the merits of the crossover concept (and it’s benefits to both shows), it rapidly deteriorated into a fanboy-nerdfest and what follows is the resulting conglomerate crossover.
Warning: The following ‘Greatest.Episode.Ever’ requires absolute submission to your inner geek:
The Greatest Episode Ever (TGEE) begins on the set of the the starship Enterprise, not one of the good ones though, this is from the lame duck one from completely botched series with the Rod Stewart song at the start. Hoshi Sato and T’Pol have just returned from a dangerous mission and as a result of possible contamination they are in quarantine, where they are smearing each other some kind of gel.. I don’t care why, they just are. This scene lasts for 20 minutes before we then cross to the bridge.
On the bridge Captain Archer is doing captain stuff when all of a sudden he begins to glow blue and there’s a really annoying sound like someone jamming some kind of industrial art into a meet grinder, but when the blue glow goes away we see that Captain Archer has been ‘leaped’ into by Dr. Sam Beckett. Only we, the audience can see this transformation though, to the rest of the Enterprise crew he appears to look exactly like Scott Bakula, and none of them even look up from the employment section of the news paper when he says “Oh Boy!”.
Cue Casio keyboard demo of the Quantum Leap theme: Which, as it turns out, sounds exactly like the actual Quantum Leap theme.
When we return from the opening credits of TGEE we find Scott Bakula bobbing around like he’s lost a contact lens. Helmsman Travis Mayweather is distracted from his job seeking by a blinking lego block on the console in front of him and announces that the long range scanners have picked up an approaching vessel and that he can’t identify it. Archer/Sam says “Oh Boy” (again) and then asks what kind of vessel it is… to which Mayweather replies “I said it can’t be identified, ass”.
Archer/Sam says for Mayweather to keep on it and let him know when he identifies the vessel, excuses himself and leaves the bridge. In the turbo/elevator thingy Archer/Beckett starts calling out for Al.. Sure enough a blue glowing door opens and Dean Stockwell enters the lift wearing a Hawaiian shirt, piano keyboard tie, a yellow raincoat and carrying a microwaved Apple Newton.
First Al/Stockwell tells Beckett that his brain is all swiss cheese and that he still owes him $50. He then tells him that the reason that the crew is pissed off is because the show has been axed and none of them have found work and that they blame him, or at least Scott Bakula, because he was the captain. Beckett asks if that’s why he’s there, to get the show picked up again? Al says no, and that he, Ziggy, Gooshie and God all agree that axing Enterprise was the right thing to do.
Sam and Al return to the bridge where Mayweather, now dressed as hamlet, tells them that the vessel remains unidentified. Al punches away at his Newton and tells Sam that Ziggy says that there’s a 90% likelyhood that he’s there to make contact with that vessel and that they should set course for it and makes a gesture like Picard doing the ‘make it so’ only with a cigar in his hand.
Just as they set course for the unidentified vessel an alarm goes off warning that an intruder has been detected in the cargo bay. Everyone rushes there to discover a blue Police Box. The Police Box doors open and out steps the Tom Baker Dr who, and companions Rose and Martha and, for no apparent reason, Buffy, Willow, Faith, Cordelia, Anya, Illyra, Harmony and a young Barbara Eden. Sam tells them that everyone cool with them being there, but that they need to be decontaminated. They all head toward sick bay and the quarantine chamber, but Sam tells the Doctor that he’s ok, only the girls need to join Hoshi and T’Pol… which they do… another 20 minutes passes.
Back on the bridge the Doctor tells Sam and Al (who he can also see) that he’s a fan of their work. But before they can do any time-traveller story telling they make contact with the mysterious vessel. The mysterious vessel sends over a shuttle with an envoy to make contact with the crew of the enterprise… So they all head to the docking bay. Where Caprica Six, Boomers one and two and the Xena cylon all emerge from the shuttle… Al taps at his Newton and tells Sam that there’s a 100% chance that they are contaminated…. By this time the quarantine chamber is getting a little full – but with all that gel in there they should be able to fit few more in.
Sam is called back to the bridge and told by Mayweather, who is now practising making balloon animals, that the mysterious vessel (now identified as a Cylon Mothership for those not paying attention) has launched a large number of Cylon raiders and that they are under attack. Just then Al reveals that he’s not really Al at all, but that he’s the cylon: Brother Cavil, and that he’s set them up! Before Sam or the Doctor can react the bridge door opens, Bruce Willis runs in and knocks Al (Cavil) out with one punch. Sam looks at Bruce and says “But he’s a hologram?” and Bruce replies, “Yeah, well I’m Bruce Willis.” – The Doctor nods in agreement.
The Enterprise starts firing all it’s weapons at the Cylon Raiders but soon runs out of whatever it is that those things fire, so Bruce runs to engineering where he’s joined by Bill Paxton, Mr T, Al Swearengen, Adam West, Wolverine, Jack Bauer and Snake Pliskin. They load themselves into the torpeedo launchers and have themselves fired at the Cylon Raiders. They manage to beat up all the raiders and all of them, except for Bill Paxton, who was killed by the Cylons, begin to make their way towards the mother ship.
Sam radios them asking if they need help, but the only message he gets back is: “I’m Adam West, and I can BREATH IN SPACE”…
end of part one