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Jessica Alba: Eye Candy

After a life times worth of continual eyesight deterioration things here in the eHead have finally reached a turning point. After a string of consultations, bright lights and whacky lasers blasted into my eye sockets and enough eye drops to fill a bathtub it’s finally been decided that my corneas are friggin useless. This, of course, comes as no surprise to me as I’ve been struggling to see through the damn things for quite some time now, but the up shot is that come the 24th of October I’ll be sporting a whole new cornea… well, a new second hand cornea.

Here’s how, as I understand it, the procedure will play out – remember, I’m not a doctor so some of these details may not be entirely accurate:

First team of scientists will be shrunk to microscopic size. Well, of course this is only if we can’t find a team of scientists who are already microscopic. The micro-sists will be injected directly into my foot, at which point they will use a group-fare all day tram ticket to make their way to my right eye. Once there they will then set about removing one of the two cornea that I was born with by method of strategically placed explosives. Hopefully, once the defective cornea has been blasted from my head, the new (second hand) cornea, will have arrived from the maximum security prison, where it will have been removed from the latest serial killer to be executed.. but not before said serial killer vows to return from the dead to exact revenge on those responsible for his capture. The operation will be complete once the cornea has been stapled into place.

That’s pretty much the gist of it, as far as you know. Anyway, the doctor says that within three to four weeks of the operation I should begin to clearly see the sinister images left implanted on the cornea by its previous owner, within six month I should be seeing well enough to begin my own murderous rampage. If all goes well, I should be set to have the other eye transplanted around twelve to eighteen months after the initial operation date… providing there are enough donors in the state pen.

In other news, I got home from the specialist today to discover that Lionsgate is negotiating with Jessica Alba to star a remake of “The Eye”. The film, set to begin shooting this winter, is to be directed by David Moreau and Xavier Palud and tells the story of a cornea transplant recipient who sees disturbing images in the mirror and sets out to discover the fate which befell the eye’s previous owner… Sounds plausible I suppose. [source]

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