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The Attacks Begin! UPDATED!

The Italian Space Agency (ASI) surprised the world this week by actually existing.. it also announced that Italy’s BeppoSAX astronomy satellite would be hitting the Earth’s atmosphere as it falls from orbit sometime between 3:15 am Sydney time on April 30 (17:10 GMT on April 29) and midnight Sydney time on the same day (14:03 GMT on April 30).

Chunks, as large as 120 kilograms, of the satellite are expected to survive the devastating heat of re-entry and rain down on the unsuspecting human population below, however it is most unlikely that the satellite’s fluffy dice will survive the process. Exactly where this bombardment will take place is unknown, however these Italian boffins speculate that deadly fire will scorch the Earth over an area 320 kilometers long and 42 kilometers wide along the equator.
28 nations in South America, Africa and Southeast Asia sit in the potential line of fire of this out of control death machine, and have been warned to run screaming from their homes by a dude with a huge mustache from the ASI.

While no-one from ASI has been brave enough to let the truth of this matter come to light, we here at EOL-Observatoryâ„¢ believe this to be a suicide mission by this rogue satellite, which has been labeled “out of control’ since the 30th of April 2002.
Clearly this is a precursor or at least a preemptive assault on humanity by the evil, ghost, satellite zombie robots.
When asked to comment EOL-Observatoryâ„¢ spokesman, Professor Elroy, said “Kiss your asses goodbye people, those evil robot zombie bastards are gonna totally tear your shit up! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to finish stocking the EOL-Bunkerâ„¢ with baked-beans and microwave popcorn.”

Before it’s defection, BeppoSAX performed nearly 1,500 observations of most types of cosmic ray sources and discovered more than 50 gamma ray bursts – the cataclysmic and still mysterious explosions in deep space that generate more energy in a fraction of a second than most suns generate in their lifetime. It also played loud dance music and leered at attractive women as it orbited by them.

UPDATE: Thursday, 01 May 2003 01:52 am



As anticipated in the report featured on EOL earlier this week, the Italian satellite “BeppoSAX” has acted as an agent of the unstoppable threat against humanity, known to EOL readers as the evil, robot, zombie, ghost, satellites [ERZGS] crashing into this planet on the 29th of April 2003 at 10:06 p.m. GMT (5:06 p.m. ET), with an uncertainty window of plus or minus 7 minutes.
The image above clearly shows the devastating effects of the attack which killed every human living in the strike zone (400 kilometers (250 miles) from the Galapagos islands).

As always EOL will be ever vigilant and endeavor to keep it’s reader up to date in regard to this evil scourge.

Source:
ABC.net
Space.com
NZ Business Review
Discovery.com

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2 Comments

    Country dude
    Hope one side of your immediate family doesn’t take offence at your suprise re the Italian Space Agency actually existing. According to Uncle Nazzarino, it is in fact far better than NASA and he further ads that they have crashed and burned more often and far more spectacularly than MASA!

  • Thicker than wine…
    I have far greater concerns about my blood lines… the least of which are the ones who insist on producing paint thinner and labeling it vino!