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It’s all gone pear shaped

A lot of you have been writing to me and offering your support and assistance in dealing with the now infamous Web design stealing, goat fucking, citizen of Essex incident, however more often than not I have requests for ongoing updates regarding the tracking and surveillance that had been taking place from the technologically advanced yet un-road-worthy EOL-Van.

Sadly things have gone further than anyone ever suspected they would!

I was forced to leave the investigations in Essex but not before Buzzmoo and I had discovered that things were much, much larger than they had first appeared. Like an onion or some other cliché, we had begun to peel back many layers revealing a far greater ring of Web site design steeling, donkey pillaging fiends than we had ever imagined and we were beginning to get an indication that there was a shadowy mastermind at the head of this onion…. Huh?.. read on!

With news that the Romulans had created a time travel device reaching me in Essex I made the gut retching decision to make my way back to my 12 and a half-foot by 6 and 3-quarter foot base of operations at the back of a milkbar in Kew to ensure the temporal integrity of the universe. Buzz, on the other hand, chose to stay in Essex to pursue further information regarding the e-interface pilfering, bovine fornicating, shadowy lowlifes with only the technologically advanced yet un-road-worthy EOL-Van to assist him.

I received only three more communiqués from Buzz before… well, that’s the thing – I’m unsure of what exactly has transpired.

I received this transmission via e pigeon on the afternoon of my return:

I’v been in Essex for over two weeks now, scoping out the enemy and gathering as much
information as i can. I’v observed a somewhat disturbing ritual in the market centre.
THe shop owners all advertise their shops and wares with signs. Now, in any normal, fare
and generous society people would leave these signs in tact. This is not the case in Essex.
Every once in a while an opposing store member will run out and steal a sign, replace the
lettering with their own and pin it infront of their shop. The day is an orgy of stealing
and plagiarism….

Sadly we have experienced this act much closer to home, these disturbing acts we though
that were only performed in remote and undeveloped locations have spilled out into the Internet rendering it unsafe for anyone.

The following day this arrived:

I had a brush with the Essex Secret Service (ESS) yesterday and I
had to make a break for freedom, fleeing the wrath of their turbo charged tricycles….
At the moment i’m hidden in the forest just south of the main town, security has been stepped up. I think i hear dogs in the distance, it seems Essex has taken offence to the intrusion…..

Shortly followed by this:

>>>Dear Elroy,
Thank you for ordering from the Erotic ho Fantasy sto. Your order number is ########. Please hold onto this number to reference your order. Your order of 1 units: “self-suctioning Luv-a-tron” [size: medium – model: Uber suction masta2000xp] will be shipped to you within 6 working day of the date of your order.

I was stoked, but erection turned to distraction when I received this the following morning:

This has turned into quite a situation now, what seems to be the whole population of Essex has taken it upon themselves to
hunt me down. I don’t know how long i can keep running.

This all took place over a month ago now. I’ve assumed Buzzmoo’s online identity so as to not blow his cover.. I know that no matter what ill has befallen Buzzmoo he will reveal no information about himself or his mission.. he may very well rant on about “Tool” endlessly but naught else will be divulged!

I do however suspect that Buzzmoo has gone into ‘stealth mode’ and has not maintained contact so as not to expose his true location. I also suspect that he will attempt to make contact via ‘other’ means…

In the mean time I will continue to maintain his website at – albeit bloody hard to fake all this teen angst… I don’t know how the Cam Girls keep it up… Speaking which – where the hell is AstroG? Lets hope that the Camel mounting, digital media absconding, shadowy guild haven’t gotten to her too!!

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    Hot on the trail
    The EOL-van is kinda like the A-Team van, only cooler.

  • Agreed!
    Unfortunately it’s not insured for Buzzmoo to drive it – so lord help him if he dents it!

  • good thing its not road-worthy then.. he wont be able to drive it!

  • whos gonna save us now?

  • Silly Morgues
    I think we all know where this is going Morgan

  • erm yeah *nods*