The good lady Barberella has an addiction. She’s compelled to watch Jerry Springer. Perhaps in an effort to convince herself that there are worse things out there than being stuck in the E-Shack? with yours truly… or perhaps it’s for the same reason that I’m addicted to those ‘Most Amazing Police Shoot Dumbass Criminals As They Try To Outrun The Entire County Police Department In a Rusted Out Ute After Drinking A Keg Of Home Brew And Sticking Up a Seven Eleven Videos’ shows.. I love to see dickheads come unstuck!
So, anyway, rather than put my time to good use while barberella watches this shameless parade of morons and rednecks, I decided to take some notes and compile a list.. “What’s the list Elroy?” I hear you ask in that whiny voice of yours!
|10: Don’t try to be cool dipshit!
You may be the king at home fool, but when you’re on that stage you are in Jerry’s house! And no matter how cool you think that you are you’re on that stage for one of two reasons: You’re an idiot or you’re being made to look like one.
|9: Don’t try to be funny cheatin’ boy!
Leave any delusions that you’re the slightest bit amusing back at the trailer! Clearly you ain’t witty, you ain’t sharp and you certainly ain’t on the ball or else you wouldn’t have shown up for the taping of the show! – There’s an audience full of people who are going to be laughing their asses off at you as you manage to make yourself look like a bigger boob with every word of bastardized English that you dribble.
|8: Never say “he/she/it’s goin’ home with me!”
Two simple reasons inbred, One: If you’re in a situation where you find yourself saying that.. whoever you’re saying it about isn’t worth taking home, no matter how good he/she looks without their teeth in! Two: You’re gonna look like a righteous tool when he/she/it doesn’t pick you to go home with!
|7: THE WORD IS ‘WHORE’!
No matter how skanky the bitch is she deserves all five letters!!! Save your wittlin’ for the front porch Jimmy-Bob and leave the English language in tact!
|6: Remember what color you are!!
If you’ve got a red mullet, three of your front teeth missing and ears like someone farted in a volkswagon DON’T try to talk like you grew up in the projects! aight!
|5: No, you ain’t “All that”!
Listen ham for brains, if you’re so freakin’ special then why has your man/woman been banging a skinny gay man, a sleazy fat chick, your father, your mother, his sister, her mother, your best friend, his best friend or your neighbor for the past six months! And whatever you do don’t attempt to prove your ‘all thatness’ by exposing any parts of yourself – I’ve either just eaten, was thinking about eating or plan at some stage to eat something… don’t spoil that for me!
|4: Count the chairs lugnut!
The guy didn’t invite you here to propose or tell you something nice if there are another 3 chairs (aside from the one that you only just managed to wedge your ass into) on the stage. And don’t bother dragging your chair closer to his you’re only going to want to hit the prick with it in about 10 seconds!
|3: No *WE* don’t want to pick.
Calling out to the audience “wouldn’t you pick this over that” and gesturing like a ‘New price is right’ model towards yourself isn’t going to get you anywhere… you already look like a fool for showing up for the taping remember… don’t add cheap whore to the resume as well!
|2: Don’t take on Steve!
In case you are too stupid to have picked it up Steve and the other bouncers are all cops.. So, unlike you they are trained to wrangle out of control, over weight clowns, such as yourself and the clone she left you for… Plus: DO THE MATH!! They have you out numbered, so put your T-shirt back on and sit down! Save it for later, with any luck you’ll stumble across a pack of doritos and forget all about why you were angry!
|1: Don’t take on the audience!
You can’t win!!! You try to take on the crowd and there is not a chance that you are going to walk off that stage with a single ounce of dignity – Oh, no, wait – you lost that when you showed up for the taping of the show – idiot!
Final Thought: Look – what it comes down to folks is that if you are stupid enough to accept an invitation to appear on a show like Springer then there is no helping you! Take my advice – If you are in a relationship and you get a call from the geniuses at Springer central, tell them “thanks, but no thanks”, hang up, collect up all the possessions that belong to your partner, take them out to the front lawn and light a bonfire.
Until next time take care of yourself and that cheatin’ asshole that you’re dating!
Feel free to leave your own ‘springer survival’ tips via the ‘comments’ link below – these people need all the help they can get!