Another satellite falls to the mutants!
Clearly the Space mutant killer satellite ghost robot race is stepping up their plans against humanity and are recruiting every last man made object in space against us.
After almost 31 years in faithful service to humans (that’s us) one can only assume that the loss of communication with Pioneer 10 means that it has either fallen victim to the evil zombi mutant robot ghost satellite empires agents of recruitment or that it has moved out of range for radio contact. Quite frankly you’d be a fool to believe the latter and run the risk of being murdered in your sleep by rampaging ghost space killer satellites in the not too distant future.
If you’re not up to date on this threat to humanity then it’s time you made yourself aware by reading this and then this – Ignorance will be no defense when the attack comes… not even locking yourself in a pantry will save you! (once you’re up to date continue here)
Pioneer 10 was launched on the 2nd of March 1972 and started out on a 21 month mission that would see it achieve many firsts. It was the first spacecraft to pass the asteroid belt (unless you count the Millennium Falcon in The Empire Strikes Back), Pioneer 10 was the first spacecraft to take close up images of Jupiter and in 1983 it was the first manmade object to leave the solar system. Officially Pioneers mission ended in 1997, but unofficially it spent much of it’s time covertly spying on the ever plotting mutant ghost zombi robot satellites and continued to communicate with boffins at NASA (America’s department of chucking stuff into space) as part of a study of communication technology for future interstellar Probe missions.
“It was a workhorse that far exceeded its warranty,” said Larry Lasher (Pioneer 10 project manager at NASA’s Ames Research Center) “and I guess you could say we got our money’s worth,”
The last message from the spacecraft was on january 22nd which was received by Jet Propulsion Laboratory’s Deep Space Network. The signal, most likely a distress call, something along the lines of “I’m in danger, the space mutant robot zombi satellites are on to me”, took 11 hours and 20 minutes to travel the 7.6 billion miles to Earth. NASA egg-heads say that the previous two messages were “very faint”, the most likely cause of which is irrefutably that the zombi satellite space ghost mutants were attempting to jam the signal.
Most disturbing of all is that with the loss of the Pioneer 10 important information has fallen into the hands…erm.. metal claws of the enemy, as, foolishly, the brainiacs at NASA saw fit to install a dirty great gold plaque on the side of the spacecraft with a FRIKKIN MAP showing where the Earth is… if we weren’t all totally screwed before – you can bet your ass we are now.
Had Pioneer 10 not been converted or destroyed by the space mutant rampaging ghost killer satellites it would have reached the star Aldebaran in the constellation Taurus in about 2 million years.